Seeing the “Pwetty”

So when you buy a house that’s 85 years old, it’s inevitable that you will spend a good portion of the first few years fixing, replacing, or renovating stuff. The joy in it being that you can retain the charm of the past yet make the place your own via updates. Hubby and I are in our third year of owning our home (built in the 1930’s) and just like the previous two years, we’ve recently been doing some renovations. A little over two months ago, we had some windows replaced and got a new entry door. It’s a pretty cool door if I do say so myself, complete with an arched window made of leaded glass and cherry red paint (because every front door should be red, right?) I certainly love our new door but there’s someone else in our home who seems completely taken by it.

Every time we open the door and my daughter, MaKayla, sees the pristine, bright red color…she screams out, “PWETTY!!”

And when I say every time…I mean every. single. time.

The first day she saw it, “PWETTY!”

The second day she saw it, “PWETTY!”

Three weeks later, “PWETTY!”

Two months later, “PWETTY!”

Each day we step out the door, my baby girl notices the beautiful red door. After a while, it had started to wear on me. I found myself saying in the driest of voices, “Yes, Kayla. It’s pretty. Uh huh. Pretty.” Her response to my pacification? With just as much enthusiasm as the first time, “Mommy…PWETTY!”

Then, of course, God intervened.

“Are you too busy, too distracted to acknowledge beauty EVERY time you see it?

Uhh…

“Is there not value in being present enough to see the wonders before you…even if they are the same wonders you’ve seen over and over again? In fact, Isn’t that not wonderful in and of itself?”

*drops head*

I tell you, if there is one thing I’ve learned about being a mother it’s that my child is not just a reflection of me…an elevated version of myself and her dad, as I like to say. She is often the vessel through which God will reveal where I’ve gotten WAY off track. That is, IF I’m paying attention.So now when I step outside the door, I say, “Look Kayla, PWETTY!”

And of course, now that I got the lesson, she shrugs and points at a butterfly. LOL!

**

 

How has God used your children to show you yourself?

TMLG

It's Time to Tell the Truth

*clears throat* I'd like to take a quick break from our Water-Walking series to make this very important announcement:

I WANT TO BE GREAT!

Whew! 

Okay, I said it. 

Out loud. 

You all finally know my deep, dark, ugly secret. 

I want to be a GREAT writer. A GREAT speaker. A GREAT servant of the Lord. Yeah, I'm a'ight now. I'm pretty good. God has blessed me with some incredible gifts and so far, I've used some of them and seen some minor (in my mind) successes. But I want to be AMAAAAAAZING! Maya Angelou once said (according to a street vendor selling me a poster I bought in Harlem with the quote on it): “…pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you.”

Yessss! That's exactly it! I want my words to be mesmerizing. For people's hearts to race when they read my stories. For the impetus to transform their lives to be so overwhelming that they are forever chased by the notion and cannot remain the same. Yep, that's what I want. 

And I've been so afraid to admit that to myself or anyone else. 

Because I know the ugliness that's all mixed up in my desire. Pride. The extraordinary need for outside validation and applause. A lack of dependence on the Lord's timing in my life. The inability or, most likely, the unwillingness to address my undercover lack of discipline that I've been hiding behind all my to-do lists and controlling tendencies. Fear of failure. Fear of success.

A bunch of junk.

Yet, as real as those issues are, my desire to be great is JUST as real. And as I'm slowly getting delivered from all the junk, mess, bad thinking, and terrible choices I've made over the years, I'm also realizing that I've allowed these issues--to the great glee of the Enemy of my soul--to put me and my God-given desires into a spiritual chokehold. Fear, pride, selfish-ambition, lack of discipline, etc. all have tried to choke the life out of my heart's authentic desires.

Maybe that's why I always feel like I'm on the verge. Never great. Just on the verge of greatness. It's getting old. 

I'm now the kid in the Nike ad up top. Standing on the edge. I've mastered the kiddie pool. I've survived the small dive. Now it's time for the big one. I want desperately to leap into my destiny. I'm scared but ready.

You see, I'm still the five year old who danced and sang and conducted interviews with Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight while in the tub because she was so sure she'd soon be on somebody's TV. I'm still the twelve year old who wrote songs and raps on the back of her school bus with her friends. I'm still the sixteen year-old who wrote poems and plays in church and school not only because they healed her own pains but also in hopes that someone else would be moved by them. 

Even today, my desire to be great has me doing the strangest things. Like if a reader tells me they loved a particular passage of my book, I will go and re-read that passage over and over again---pretending I'm the reader and trying to see it through their eyes. Even if I don't know them. 

Oh…and when I'm reading other great writers, great stories like Gathering of Waters by Bernice McFadden (a recent read), I get so overwhelmed with emotion that I end up crying profusely, my heart just heavy with the hope that I, too, will write "like that." 

*shrug* Maybe I'm a weirdo but there it is…it's out there. I want to be great. For God, of course. For my daughter. For me. 

I'm not going to be ashamed of that anymore. 

You?

TMLG 

Part II: Water-walking in 2013

"Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear." - Matthew 14:25-26

A year or so into our marriage, my hubby and I were ready to start a family. Having crossed the 35 year old age marker, my biological clock was ticking so loud that astronauts were probably saying, "what's that noise?" It took a while but when we found out we were pregnant for the first time, we were SO excited. All I could think about was my baby. Who would he most look like? What should we name her? I was SO caught up. Then, out of nowhere, the unthinkable happened. We lost our baby. Already a person with depressive tendencies, I was beside myself for a while. But thank God for optimism and the "Innanet." I'd read the books and watched the testimonies online of those who said miscarriage in the early weeks of pregnancy was common. So...we kept trying. A few months later, we found out we were pregnant again. Still excited, we were a little more cautious this time. Isn't it interesting how our past experiences often defines our future responses? Anyway, I didn't necessarily dive headfirst into setting up my baby registry but I still was confident that this time, it would be okay. 

At ten weeks, we lost our child. 

I was devastated. 

After that experience, I was looking for answers. We both visited our doctors to make sure that there was nothing physically wrong. When the tests came back, it appeared that everything was in working order. So now I was really confused. Why couldn't I carry a baby to term? What was wrong with me?  I spent the better part of a year wrestling with this issue until one day I just decided to push my desire way down deep into the corners of my heart where I kept all my other unfulfilled dreams and get about the business of living my life. I'd just released a new book, Interruption: The Gospel According to Crystal Justine, and had just signed the book deal for The Integrated Church. Hubby and I had closed on our first home. All of this would have to do. 

Ahhh…but who's that walking toward me on the water? Hi, Jesus. 

In January 2011, I found out I was pregnant again. I was admittedly nervous. In fact, not just me. I think everyone was hedging their bets…even my doctor. 

"As long as we can get you to 24 weeks, we have a shot."

"Well, if you make it to 28 weeks, it'll be rough, but she'll be okay."

"Let's try to get you to 32 weeks."

As fierce as the little girl below is, I'm not at all surprised she "stuck." LOL!

Here's my point: During my pregnancy and after giving birth to my daughter, there were so many people that tried to give me a valid, rational, reason why this particularly pregnancy was successful.  "Well you were working less then." No, I was actually working more. "Well, you were eating better then." Perhaps, but the change in eating  habits was barely noticeable. Just like the other disciples yelling out "It's a ghost" they all tried to offer reasons that made sense to THEM. 

In the disciples' case, it couldn't possibly be Jesus walking on the water, right? It HAD to be a ghost. A ghost made more sense than a man walking on the water in the middle of storm. 

In my case, it couldn't possibly have been Jesus who opened my womb and gifted me with one of his precious daughters. It HAD to be something I did. 

It certainly wasn't. 

The funny thing is…I'm the QUEEN of doing this to other people. I'm quick to reason away a miracle. Shifting the glory that belongs to God to the acts of man. The scripture up top says the disciples cried "ghost" out of fear. Could it be possible that we do this because we actually fear the truth? Acknowledging the water-walking Jesus in someone else's life reminds us of our own lack of courage to get out of the boat and do the miraculous at His call. 

Your thoughts?

Next Lesson: Do your Part

Water-Walking in 2013

I experienced both great losses and awesome victories in 2012. However, the one thing that was constant for me was God's faithfulness through it all. Now that I'm ankle deep in 2013, I feel like it's time for me to return to God the favor for real, for real. I have the sneaking suspicion that this is going to be a water-walking kind of year. A year of growth for me in the areas of faith and trust. Given this, I thought it would be a good idea to examine the scripture passage that best describes what God wants from me (and maybe you if you're reading this) this year. 

Matthew 14:22-33 reads:

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

I'm only going to focus on the highlighted portion of this passage today. 

Lesson #1 - Yes, Jesus will sometimes SEND you into a storm. 

When I first read this passage, I got stuck on the first sentence. Of course I'd read this many times before but this was the first time I'd really paid attention to this:

 "Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side."

Made the disciples. 

I have to say, I find it absolutely fascinating that Jesus would make the disciples get in the boat and go across the lake. I'm going to assume that Jesus knew the wind was kicking up on the water. How interesting is it then that He tells the disciples…who are, I suppose, clueless about what's going on…to sail out IN THE DIRECTION of the storm. Obviously, He had a different kind of teaching to do. 

I'm a firm believer that conflict builds character. I believe the tension, pain, and struggle I've experienced in my life is the fuel that God uses to make me stronger. But of course, that sounds all good in a catchy pop song (Love Kelly Clarkson) or popular cliche' (What doesn't kill you…) But when stuff starts to get real in my life, I'm saying, "Forget being strong!" LOL! I'm often looking around to figure out how I can get out of the situation as quickly as possible. The truth is, I don't feel strong when I'm stuck in the middle of a storm. Not. at. all. And *let me my halo off* I'm also quick to look for something or someone to blame for my predicament.

God: Right here. Put the blame on me. 

What?! 

Oh and I'm not beyond whining, by the way. There have been many times when I have questioned God. Because of course, I'm omniscient and omnipotent and can see the end from the beginning (sarcasm). How many times have you thought or even said, "Lord, You knew what was coming down the road for me, why did You "let me" walk right into the mess, storm, whatever? Worse, why didn't you just stop the winds and waves altogether?"

God: Because it's in the storm that I will show you who I've made you to be.

No wind and waves = No water-walking. 

As Peter found out, Jesus will sometimes send His followers into a life storm for the sole purpose of showing us something miraculous about Him and ourselves (Click Here to Tweet this). I can't imagine that Peter was ever the same after walking with Jesus on the water…even despite his momentary distraction. I'm certain I wouldn't be. Something changes when you see God do something in your life that only He can do. 

Of course for Peter, the other disciples and us…this whole thing was all a set-up. Most storms are, you know. Storms (tough times, rough roads, struggles, trials, whatever you wanna call them) often set us up for total dependence on God. And like the Daddy he is, He loves when his kids swing on his arm, trusting that he won't let them go even when the swinging feels kinda scary. In fact, if we recognize what's going on relatively quickly, we can shift our reliance from our circumstance…which is usually our focus in the beginning (What's going on? Why me? How can I fix it?)...to the One who controls every circumstance. Yes, we might get wet. Yes, our boats might get rocked. Yes, we might even be scared. But all that is usually a set up for a magnificent lesson in water-walking with Jesus (i.e., putting your absolute faith and trust in Him.)

So from now on, I think I'll consider my windy days as faith-building exercises. Or miracle-makers. What about you?

TMLG

Next Lesson: Don't let people reason away your miracles.